#trainwreck

Sometimes I feel sad and tired, with a deep hatred for things not going my way. “Looking for a job that helps privileged people exploit the masses.” A quote by everyone who is scavenging for resources to avoid psychological damage from scarcity, most notably attributable to The System.

I can’t seem to hold my shit together long enough to execute on a plan. Things move too slowly on concrete levels to pursue them solo. And so I’ve dug deep into inevitable paralysis, inconvenienced by hope.

I’m in fact Worthless. Dead weight, if you will. Avant-garde words whose only outcome has been preparation for deeper self hatred, presented through shots of social shaming. “Why should I give you money?” Because I don’t have any, and I don’t want to actually do anything. So fuck off with your judgement, and put me in abundance.

Entitled and lazy with nothing to prove. Its not healthy for feeding myself, or my intrinsic ambition. I’d be more productive with co-workers that were peers, and a separation from resource stress. I’m sick and tired of working alone within spaces that I am unfamiliar. Especially under scarcity constraints which end up influencing the quality of my attention. But I can’t ever seem to find day-time peers when I pursue my own interests, and I can’t seem to hold a job long enough to save up enough cash. I’m fucking sick of it. Theo and Lindley have each other, sitting across the table from me right now. Most people have co-founders, or at least peers at school or work. Maybe those who are good enough just go at it alone. I don’t work like this. Next job probably won’t have any peers. Because I’m not smart enough to get a job with peers. I won’t hate my soon-to-be co-workers, but I’ll ignore them. What I’ll hate is their petty minds of trivial coherence, which probably allows them to cope with their menial tasks. My disengagement will pressure me into cynicism, dovetailed by deepening depression, with a final swoosh of a ghosted train-wreck.

To try and end on a more positive note: I would like to be of the belief that if i am disciplined/actualized/healthy enough, then a lot of this external societal stuff (aka people outside of my family and friend-family) won’t matter. And given the fact that the world is probably going to burn and the wheel of society is going to turn regardless of my outlook/attitude/behavior, why not just love everyone?

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